This isn't goodbye

Hey everyone,

I'm sure you all know by now that we lost Lassie. He passed away at the vet August 3rd. A necropsy showed that he had pleuritis and died from pneumonia. How he got pleuritis is unknown, they could not find a cause (no injuries, no punctured lungs, no foreign bodies). The doctors who did the necropsy said our vet had Lassie on the correct medications to fight this off, however it was not a good enough concentration. Those who did the necropsy assumed this was because Lassie's vet did not know he had pneumonia. However, while we were not positive about that, his vet DID say "Sounds like pneumonia." when I told her about the fluid-y cough Lassie had that morning before we rushed him back in. So why she didn't give him the concentration of antibiotics needed in order to recover is beyond me. I'm absolutely livid about that. I'm trying not to be though, because I honestly don't know her reasoning for that.

I'm also trying not to be blindingly angry about the fact that Lassie was already gone when I wrote my last post and I had no idea thanks to a screw up at the vet (someone wrote our phone number down wrong and I guess it took them a whole day to realize they could find the correct number on the back of Lassie's tag; so much for "Favorite Vet"). I found out Sunday evening that he was gone.

A fact that still seems entirely impossible and completely untrue.

Yet he is and that is evident by the huge hole I'm left with.

Which is why I vanished. This hurts so much. More than I feel I can handle. I didn't want anyone to say the well intentioned, "I'm so sorry." Or, "I know what you're going through." Because no one is as sorry as I am and though you may know, in theory, what I'm going through (most, if not all, of us has lost a pet at some point in our lives)-- you do not know what I'm going through. I refuse to believe anyone would know exactly what I'm going through. My relationship with Lassie was too unique. His relationship with me was too unique. I don't even know what I'm going through. I've never felt like this before. I've lost pets and human family members before and each loss was so much different from the other. Each of them painful, but each one different.

This loss is too much. This loss is too unfair. This loss was too unexpected. I had no warning. Yes, he was wasn't looking so well when we took him to the vet for a weekend stay and yes, I was honestly scared. But I did not believe he was going to die. With Ella, I knew, as we drove to the vet I knew she wasn't going to make the drive there. I held her in the back seat of the car and I said my goodbyes.

I never said goodbye to Lassie. Instead, I demanded that he stay with me. When we got the call that he had passed away, I felt betrayed. Lassie was more obedient than that. He should've stayed like I asked-- begged-- him to. He's my best friend, my motivator, my protector, my everything, I don't know how to keep going without him. I feel broken.

The other day, as I cried, I was wondering why this feeling of denial wouldn't go away. Why I still felt like Lassie couldn't possibly be gone. Maybe it's just too soon for the shock to be worn off yet or... maybe Lassie did listen to me after all. Maybe he hasn't left my side at all. I can't imagine him up in Heaven with my other family members, both human and pets, but I can imagine all my other loved ones there, happy and healthy; it seems natural. But when I think of Lassie I can only see him with me, happy and healthy and unfailingly loyal to me and only me. 

Maybe this is why we were cheated out of our goodbye. The goodbye I didn't plan to have until Lassie was at least 15 years old. Maybe we weren't given the chance to say goodbye because we were never meant to. 

This isn't goodbye, it's see you later. 

I don't know what your beliefs are, but I truly believe that I will be with Lassie again and I believe that he's still with me. It's the only thing that brings me comfort right now, so if you don't believe this that is fine by me, it honestly is, but be kind if you choose to leave a comment.

I'm sorry if this post doesn't make sense or if it jumps around a lot; my thoughts are all over the place. Please forgive me if I came across as rude at any point in this post, I honestly didn't mean to sound rude at any point in this post, if I did it was completely unintentional.

I can't say when I'll post again, but I can say that I will post again. I owe Chewy.com a few reviews, so keep your eyes out for that.

Thank you Chewy.com for the beautiful flowers.

Thank you all for all your love and support and patience. It means a lot to me and Petal.